The Collins family were once the richest and most industrious family in East Coast fishing. In recent times, however, it's like they've been cursed. Their business is failing, their mansion is crumbling and none of them are happy. So, when Barnabas Collins, a pale fellow from England arrives with promises of turning their fortunes around, the fact that he is a vampire recently released from 200 years locked in a box doesn't seem to phase anyone. Except for Angelique, business rival and witch with a hatred for Barnabas that cannot be assuaged

DARK SHADOWS was the first, and likely only, supernatural soap opera. For those in the know, the Barnabas Collins storyline coincided with the show's golden period. Now, though, there aren't that many people in the know and the show is close to forgotten. Even an earlier attempt to resurrect it for a new generation failed. However, that reboot didn't have the twin powers of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton behind it. After all, who wouldn't want to see Tim Burton and Johnny Depp trying to out Addams Family THE ADDAMS FAMILY?

Pretty much everyone as it turns out. DARK SHADOWS is a pale reflection of the Barry Sonnenfield ooky, spooky films that offer an object lesson in how to update an old franchise successfully. This film so desperately wants to be the new THE ADDAMS FAMILY, but is deficient in nearly every aspect. A lot can be blamed on the script for never quite deciding what sort of film it wants to be. A comedy? Of course, but with jokes that almost never hit the mark. A fish out of water story? Yes, but Barnabas never really attempts to integrate into his new world. A doomed gothic love story? It's there, but ignored for much of the time, despite being the main driver of everything that happens? A story of familial dysfunction? This lot never feel like a family at all, so it's just about the dysfunction.

It's not all about the script, though. Johnny Depp is the central character in all this and he chooses to make his Barnabas a supercilious boor with no sense of humour. He looks down on everyone and everything in the modern age as though he was somehow superior, despite the fact that it was his philandering that brought ruin down on himself and the rest of the family. It's another of the actor's oddball characters, but there's nothing about him that is appealing as there was, say, EDWARDS SCISSORHANDS.

And Depp is supported by a stellar cast, but the script gives them very little to do and no characters. Michelle Pfeiffer is given a thankless role as the family matriach who complains about her children, but doesn't seem to do anything more than that once Barnabas is on the scene. Helena Bonham Carter manages to conjure no life at all into her one dimensional drunk doctor, something we would have said was impossible. The film's other Jonny (Lee Miller) is given so little to do as the philandering bad father that the role could probably have been completely excised without anyone noticing and Chloe Grace Moretz gets to be a stroppy teenager whose story twist comes so late that it can't possibly make her interesting. Even the governess and love interest is sidelined almost entirely, although her presence is one of the driving forces of the whole storyline.

This is possibly because the battle between Barnabas and his ageless with rival is the only successful part of the film and everything else was pushed to the side to spotlight it more. This is partly down to Eva Green, whose lusty performance as the vengeful spurned Angelique threatens to kick the whole thing into life whenever she appears. She is the only actor who comes out of this with her reputation unmarred (unless you count Jackie Earle Haley, whose crotchety domestic servant is moderately fun).

There is a desperation about the film that feels like everyone knows how bad the script is, but is doing their best to make a go of it. The inclusion of Alice Coooper playing Alice Cooper as musical entertainment reeks of that desperation and provides only a couple of lame gags based on Barnabas not understanding that, name notwithstanding, he is not a woman.

There is nobody who will be placing DARK SHADOWS high on their CV and nobody whose reputation it has enhanced. Some things, it seems, are meant to be left dead.