General Release 2010
89 minutes approx
Jake Forester -
Stephen R McQueen
Julie Forester -
Derek Jones -
Matt Hooper -
Directed by -
Written by -
Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg
An earthquake opens up a fissure on the bed of Lake Victoria. Divers go down to take a look and discover that the cavern below was full of prehistoric piranha fish, unchanged since primordial days. Since it is Spring Break and the lake is filled with fun-seeking teens, there is plenty of food for the newly released fish and the Sheriff has one hell of a job on her hands, made all the worse by the fact that her kids are trapped on the sinking boat of a porn director.
There is one thing to get straight right from the start and that is PIRANHA 3D is an exploitation flick. Like most of the scantily-clad teens it is out for fun and nothing else. It isn't about to apologise for the way that it goes about it either. If naked women, the bloody aftermath of a fish attack and the slow motion chewing and regurgitation of a male sex organ all in glorious 3D aren't your thing then this is one to avoid.
You know where this film is coming from right from the opening that has Richard Dreyfuss (credited as Matt Hooper, the character he played in JAWS and singing the same song) torn to shreds in an homage to Spielberg's classic movie, just as the original 1978 movie was a rip off of the greatest shark attack movie ever. The attack itself isn't particularly strong since the fish move so fast and the water is soaked red with blood in seconds, but the half-chewed hand that emerges afterwards is gory enough. And that sets the pattern thereafter. The attacks aren't gory, but the bodies being pulled out of the water in various states of dismemberment have all the bloody glory that any horror fan could want. Add in some humans doing worse than the fish can with outboard motors and the like and there is plenty of inventive death to go around.
There's also plenty of nudity to go around, all of it utterly gratuitous. The revellers at the lake are without exception gorgeous bikini fillers and the tops come off at regular intervals. Making sure that the celebrity nudity box is well and truly ticked there is an extended underwater sapphic swim pairing of Kelly Brook and real life 'erotic' actress Riley Steele that the makers will no doubt claim is an homage to the swimming sequence in THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON but is just and excuse to get two hot women naked in front of the cameras in 3D.
You therefore have to feel sorry for the actors who are stuck in the middle of all this without ever having a chance of making an impression even were they being served by a script with a hint of wit or cleverness. Elisabeth Shue just plays it straight as the no-nonsense sheriff and Vind Rhames gets a memorable scene with an outboard motor that beats any of his lines. Steven R McQueen is instantly likeable as Jake, a kid who just wants to get his share of the fun, but nobody else makes any impact at all in the acting stakes. Christopher Lloyd knows what he's up against and does a bad impression of his professor from BACK TO THE FUTURE just to get noticed.
Acting and characters are not what this film is about, though. Bloody death and unclad women is what this film is about and if that's what rocks your boat then you'll have a good time.Top
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